Thursday, July 14, 2011

More OKCupid: Eighteen to thirty-five

I had to change my “looking for” ages from 18-35 to 24-35. I had to change it because 19 year old girls stopped messaging me once I admitted I was looking for them. Back when it was originally like 27-33 I used to get a ton of messages from women way under this age range, and I went out with them. And I had a fucking great time. So I changed my age range to honestly reflect this. All correspondence with these girls immediately dried up.

Before this, I’d had to increase the upper limit from 29 to 35, because every response I got to an email clearly indicated that the person thought I was a dirtbag. I had thought I was being kind of rakishly uncaring about societal mores or whatever and this brazen I-don’t–give-a-shit honesty would get me points, you know. Because it seemed like every other time I wrote something dickish on my profile, thinking I was pushing the limits of how much of a dick you could be, it only resulted in a huge uptick of messages from hot younger women. So I thought this dickish 18-29 only move would do that as well. But shit dried up.

So this is one thing you can’t be honest about. It’s kind of a pain in the ass because your little sliding row of thumbnails on your home page and your “you might likes” are suddenly filled with “35 year olds” who are clearly 35 in Jupiter years. But it’s the price you gotta pay. Because while 19 year olds don’t seem to have any qualms about dating a 35 year old, they have serious qualms about dating a 35 year old who says he likes 19 year olds.

Well look: I like 19 year olds. So does every other man on the planet; this is news to no one. Let me take it a step further and say: I like 15 year olds. I like 13 year olds. Usually guys who admit this then launch into a long apologia about how girls are sexually mature at that age and it’s NATURAL to want to mate with them when they’re capable of producing viable healthy offspring and etc etc. I hadn’t even thought it through this far— 13 year old girls just give me a huge boner and I’m not going to fucking apologize for it. I don’t care if it’s natural or not. Lots of things are “natural;” genocide is probably natural. But, you know, I’m never gonna fuck a thirteen year old. I remember what I was like at that age and if some dude had fucked me in the ass I’d still be carrying it around in some dark corner of my soul and making thousands of tiny cuts on my arms just so I could feel something, etc. So I’d never act on this, but, I regularly beat off to it.

Anyway, the closest I’m going to get to this base desire to fuck underage girls is the 19 year old community college student who either really really likes or really really doesn’t like her father, or he just wasn’t around in general, and so she seeks out someone like myself who has a couple wiry white hairs sprouting out around his temples and crinkles up like Luke Perry when he smiles. But he’s still just barely young enough that it doesn’t feel like you’re going to have to sit through his story about fleeing the collapse of the Austro-Hungarian empire.

I tell girls my own age about this predilection, and they’re always like “Jesus, what do you talk to them about?” I don’t know, dude-- what do I talk to you about? I go on dates with 33 year olds too, and let me tell you: they’re not finally explaining quantum mechanics to me in a way I can grasp. The 33 year olds I date off OKC are pretty much exactly like the 19 year olds-- they’ll laugh at your jokes and kind of build on them but rarely take the conversation in a new direction themselves or make you laugh. You get in their car and some fucking Lady Gaga comes on the stereo, just like she if was 19. It’s not like the 33 year old is going to pleasantly surprise me with some remasterd recording of Rachmaninoff playing Bach, and marvel with me about the expressive tone this motherfucker gets out of a piano, which I’d heretofore not thought was an instrument capable of such, you know, colors… and maybe even Rachmaninoff would supplant Glenn Gould as the foremost keyboard interpreter of Bach in my mind because of the CD this chick popped in in her 1997 Volvo. No, she’s playing lady Gaga just like every other retard.

The only difference is the 33 year old is suddenly very picky about her mate selection and makes you want to jump through a bunch of hoops. She is looking at you with this figurative jeweler’s loupe giving you all kinds of scrutiny about every little fucking thing, trying to determine your viability as dating material, instead of just relaxing and getting drunk and having a good fucking time like the 19 year old is. Plus, you get that 19 year old naked and god motherfucking damn, you know?

And also, with a 33 year old I’m guilty of this jeweler’s loupe thing, too. When I go out with women my own age, suddenly it becomes about looking for wife material. Suddenly I’m judging them by this impossible standard of: they better show me that they’re witty and brilliant and you know, at the end of that one ninety minute date with that 33 year old I better walk out of there feeling suddenly alive and like my heart has been reawakened to the possibility of connecting with another human being on a deep soulful level, etc. I cut women over thirty exactly zero slack about not being funny, for instance. Or about being even slightly uptight over my admittedly vulgar and unseemly behavior.

I don’t know why this is. I don’t know why I am perfectly accepting of a 19 year old telling me she dates a lot of guys in bands, but I think oh OF COURSE, you fucking whore! when the 33 year old tells me she’s sick of dating guys in bands. Of course, now that you’re losing your looks and guys in bands suddenly don’t want to date YOU, now you’re ‘sick’ of them. I don’t know why women over thirty get the full laser beam of my bitter misogynistic judgement and the teenagers are spared. But whatever. I like young girls, so sue me.


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