Friday, February 04, 2011

Girls who can get off, and girls who can't get off

Every few months there's a scientific study about how only point eight, or whatever, percent of girls can really get off through vaginal penetration. Something on Jezebel, or some shit, and then all the comments (that don't somehow work hating men into it) are talking about how more guys have to give better head, etc.

Virtually all girls seem to get off with me, but I accept that this is a lie. If they want to pretend to get off, and not tell me, fine. I'm not going to press the issue. If a girl gets to the point in life where she's fucking me, generally she's fucked a thousand or so guys before me and if she can't figure out how to come on a dick-- old dog, new trick. And frankly I don't care.

There are a couple girls who clearly actually get off, or at least put on such a kegel-and-light show that even the foremost expert couldn't tell they're faking. Girls who get off early, and get off multiple times. This is great, obviously, especially because if a girl pops in the first minute sometimes it's nice, for once in your life, to give in to your own urge to pop off real fast. Nothing on this Earth feels better than premature ejaculation. Nature's way.

But then there is this third category of girls who are the fucking worst. These are girls who are aware of and in control of their sexuality, etc., etc., and can get off, but just barely. Girls who can get off from head but only after 30 minutes of head delivered a very specific way with your crampy hand doing a "come hither" motion on their G spot while your crampy arm pushes down on their pubic bone just so, and if you fuck up for one second the rock just rolls all the way back down the hill. Girls who need to be on top while you are fingering their clit with your thumb and they move at a maddeningly specific and repetitive speed and angle on your cock, which is pushed up just so, and again, this has to be sustained endlessly, like holding your breath underwater. Girls who have to include vibrators. Girls who have to finger themselves-- that spidery hand down there, concentrating on not crushing it, that weird moving arm pinioned under your chest-- it's fucking distracting, and you can't fuck right, but then if you can't fuck perfectly right while she fingers herself just so she's not going to get off.

Or the girls who need 45 minutes of foreplay. My first ex fiancee who demanded that each session start with an interminable nude backrub that gradually progressed to kissing the back of her neck, etc. etc.... these girls, you start thinking: Jesus, for the rest of my life it's going to be like this. Every time I want to fuck it's going to be like building the world's biggest house of fucking cards and just-- you were not meant to get off, OK? If you had been born in any other period in history, you would not have gotten off. Millions and millions of women have never had an orgasm through sex, and yet lead healthy, productive lives. Let it go. It's like dating someone with a fetish, someone who has to shit in a diaper and have you laugh at them every time you want to fuck. You can't be with these people. Or they should quietly service your needs and then go spend six hours delicately jerking off.

It's like washing a pot, you know? The non-stick pot where one swipe of the sponge takes the grease right off is the best. The seasoned steel pot, that is never going to get clean, is second best. You can make kind of a half assed attempt and say "fuck it, this is never coming off." But the worst, the worst is that one pot that you might get clean if you vigorously scrub it hard as hell in exactly the right way for the longest period of fucking time. Nothing that difficult is really worth doing.


Blogger Cathy said...

did u really have a first fiancee? were you engaged? tell me!

7:27 PM  

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