Friday, February 04, 2011

Girls who can get off, and girls who can't get off

Every few months there's a scientific study about how only point eight, or whatever, percent of girls can really get off through vaginal penetration. Something on Jezebel, or some shit, and then all the comments (that don't somehow work hating men into it) are talking about how more guys have to give better head, etc.

Virtually all girls seem to get off with me, but I accept that this is a lie. If they want to pretend to get off, and not tell me, fine. I'm not going to press the issue. If a girl gets to the point in life where she's fucking me, generally she's fucked a thousand or so guys before me and if she can't figure out how to come on a dick-- old dog, new trick. And frankly I don't care.

There are a couple girls who clearly actually get off, or at least put on such a kegel-and-light show that even the foremost expert couldn't tell they're faking. Girls who get off early, and get off multiple times. This is great, obviously, especially because if a girl pops in the first minute sometimes it's nice, for once in your life, to give in to your own urge to pop off real fast. Nothing on this Earth feels better than premature ejaculation. Nature's way.

But then there is this third category of girls who are the fucking worst. These are girls who are aware of and in control of their sexuality, etc., etc., and can get off, but just barely. Girls who can get off from head but only after 30 minutes of head delivered a very specific way with your crampy hand doing a "come hither" motion on their G spot while your crampy arm pushes down on their pubic bone just so, and if you fuck up for one second the rock just rolls all the way back down the hill. Girls who need to be on top while you are fingering their clit with your thumb and they move at a maddeningly specific and repetitive speed and angle on your cock, which is pushed up just so, and again, this has to be sustained endlessly, like holding your breath underwater. Girls who have to include vibrators. Girls who have to finger themselves-- that spidery hand down there, concentrating on not crushing it, that weird moving arm pinioned under your chest-- it's fucking distracting, and you can't fuck right, but then if you can't fuck perfectly right while she fingers herself just so she's not going to get off.

Or the girls who need 45 minutes of foreplay. My first ex fiancee who demanded that each session start with an interminable nude backrub that gradually progressed to kissing the back of her neck, etc. etc.... these girls, you start thinking: Jesus, for the rest of my life it's going to be like this. Every time I want to fuck it's going to be like building the world's biggest house of fucking cards and just-- you were not meant to get off, OK? If you had been born in any other period in history, you would not have gotten off. Millions and millions of women have never had an orgasm through sex, and yet lead healthy, productive lives. Let it go. It's like dating someone with a fetish, someone who has to shit in a diaper and have you laugh at them every time you want to fuck. You can't be with these people. Or they should quietly service your needs and then go spend six hours delicately jerking off.

It's like washing a pot, you know? The non-stick pot where one swipe of the sponge takes the grease right off is the best. The seasoned steel pot, that is never going to get clean, is second best. You can make kind of a half assed attempt and say "fuck it, this is never coming off." But the worst, the worst is that one pot that you might get clean if you vigorously scrub it hard as hell in exactly the right way for the longest period of fucking time. Nothing that difficult is really worth doing.

What now, she says

We go out a couple times. We make out, maybe we bone. Or maybe we don’t, and I just never call you. Or maybe we do, and then we get married and move slightly out of town to some place where people of modest means can get a pretty big yard, and we get a goat, but the fucking thing is too loud and keeps chewing through the fence- they are surprisingly clever animals. Maybe it actually figures out the latch. But point being the goat keeps getting out and getting into the neighbor’s yard and eating his heirloom tomatoes or whateverthefuck- maybe we laugh at this. Maybe this discord with our neighbors only brings us closer together, like, us against the world. Maybe not, maybe you never wanted to get it in the first place, maybe you never wanted to move to the suburbs, maybe you secretly blame me for everything moving too fast and now you’re stuck here out in Calabasas or something and now you’re like 33 and if you leave me you’ll never have biological children, but if you stay with me you don’t know how you can stand even one more fucking second in this house in the middle of nowhere and separating the bank accounts is going to be such a god damned pain in the ass, and the goat isn’t cute anymore, it was a stupid idea, and it has an expected life span of like 35 more years but any place you give it away to might use it for meat and that would pretty much be unconscionable. You don’t want it, but you can’t get rid of it. That’s what it’s going to be like with you and me in like four years. Maybe. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t have a fuckin crystal ball.

Go lose your virginity at a whorehouse

Do it tonight. Forget about it being something "special." You have been a virgin for 35 years- no matter what you do it is going to be "special."

Think of your virginity as a cancerous growth on your face. It pops up at puberty, and at 13 it's cute, like a beauty mark. But it slowly grows. By 17 it's starting to look a little weird and people that still have it are at a social disadvantage. By 20 it's malignant, with irregular borders and three huge Armenian chest hairs coming out of it. By thirty fucking five you have something that looks like it should be on Baron Harkonnen about to pop all over some poor slave and you need to get it cut off before it metastasizes to your brain.

So here's what you're going to do. There is a neighborhood in Fontana called "Felony Flats". This is about a 45 minute drive outside L.A. Basically you'll come to a whole district of cinder block buildings with big signs in front that say things like Osaka Massage and Kyoto Massage. These people will actually be Koreans, but let's not split hairs. I applaud them for not giving a fuck that we think all Asians are alike. Pick any one of these places. They all have ample parking.

The front door will be a steel grate style like the athletic cage in high school- a place your fat ass never visited, so, like the athletic cage in a high school from a movie. Behind it will be a steely-eyed Asian man with whom you might not even exchange words- he might just hold out his hand. Give him $40. Forty in the door, and you'll tip the girl sixty, but you don't do that until after the whole thing is over. The man will lead you to a small cell-like room with a bed in it. It may double as a storehouse for disinfectant and Korean Bibles, seriously. Take all of your clothes off and lay down on the bed, with a towel (provided- do not bring your Spongebob Squarepants beach towel) over your dick. It is important that you take off your clothes right away- if you don't the girl will know you have never been to a whorehouse before and may laugh at you, or try to extort you for more money. Do not ask how I know this.

In a few minutes, a young, attractive Asian woman will come in. She will smile and burble at you in incomprehensible gibberish. She will make a gesture for you to flip over on your stomach. Do so. From here on out, everything that happens will be completely controlled by her, and this is the way you want it.

She will start rubbing your back. She will give you the best massage of your life. She will run the tips of her long, straight hair over your back, buttocks and legs. She will tickle you with her fingertips the exact perfect amount so that it feels really good but isn't quite intense enough that you laugh. This will go on for a long time. You will begin to wonder: did I come to the wrong place? Did I accidentally go to a legitimate massage parlor? Am I not going to get laid? No, this is what is supposed to happen.

Eventually she will start concentrating on stroking your butt. Playing around the crack a little. Then she will start gently tickling the back of your nut sack. At this time, make eye contact with her. She will smile and make the little "A OK" gesture and then put her index finger through it, representing your dick going into her pussy. She is asking "do you want to fuck?" If you have to think about the answer to this, please think back to GHOSTBUSTERS.

She will flip you over. Her tickling the back of your nuts will have made you hard. If she hasn't already taken her dress off, she will, and you will notice that her pubes are impossibly long, black and straight. She will have a condom palmed like some magic trick and will put it on you with her mouth. Do not ejaculate.

She will start giving you what would be the best blow job of your life (or maybe the only one, who knows,) except being blown with a condom is pretty much completely worthless. Fucking with a condom is pretty much completely worthless too, but you'll find that out later with "real" women.

After blowing you for a minute she will get on top of you and guide your dick into her pussy. This is one of the reasons it's so important to go to a hooker- trying to get into the pussy when you don't know how really is like that old Eddie Murphy joke where he needs a shoehorn. She will start moving around immediately. Take a moment. You are inside a pussy. Take a moment to mentally record every tiny detail of every sensation because it is like nothing else on this planet, and you will be accessing this information many times from your spank bank later. The masturbatory mileage you will get from this alone is worth ten times the $100 you're putting out.

You are going to come too fast. You are probably going to come right away. If not, after a few minutes she will switch to doggy style, because girl on top and doggy style are the positions calculated to get disgusting hideous beasts like yourself off as soon as possible. You will ejaculate with the might of a thousand volcanoes. Now- do not get up. This is almost the best part. She will take the condom off you and gingerly wipe your dick down with tissue paper. No "real" girl will do this, although they should. No "real" girl will even angle herself slightly to the left to grab your jackrag off the side of the mattress for you unless prompted. After taking a minute to bask in the afterglow, this is where you give her the sixty bucks. Do not carry more than this with you, or at least don't show it to her. Put your pants on, etc.

There. Was that so hard? You're not a virgin anymore. Now let's work on making you less of a fat disgusting abomination.