Tuesday, December 07, 2010

STD's

As you know, I had an STD once. It was “non-gonococcal urethritis.” This means- something is in your dick, hurting it, and we know that it is not gonorrhea. We don’t know what it is, but we know what it isn’t. Thanks science.

I took a bunch of antibiotics for it. It still did not go away. This was terrifying of course. I went to doctor after doctor, had my dickhole abrasively rubbed against microscope slides, had a guy milk my fucking prostate to test if some identifiable virus was lurking in the very most profound depths of my well of pre-cum— no. Nothing. I was terrified, but every doctor was just like: “meh.” Don’t worry about it. Sometimes this shit happens, and eventually it just goes away.

Really? Because I was told that if you get an STD you will carry it for life, infect everyone you ever look at, and then when the poor chick goes to have a baby 20 years from now its eyes will come out sealed shut with massive grapelike clusters of warts and the fucking thing will meekly flail its Chernobyl flippers before exploding and taking out 20 city blocks, and it will all be your fault. I was told that if you even think about sticking your dick in someone without a condom, a dental dam, spermicidal jelly, and the pill you will instantly get AIDS and impregnate the girl with a spider’s nest full of three-headed demons.

We were all told this, and so we all dutifully go to the testing center and then white-knuckle it for three weeks thinking yes, I definitely have AIDS, why am I even going through the formality of getting tested, I should start drawing up my will now because by sundown I will look like the Bennetton “Jesus” ad and, even worse, I will have to make a bunch of awkward phone calls to chicks I boned off the internet… God, I hope she doesn’t start talking about her French bulldog’s Halloween costume again…

And it’s all bullshit. You are not going to get AIDS if you’re not gay. Or you might, but you might also get killed by an escaped gorilla from the zoo and I think the odds are about the same. This does not apply if you’re Namibian, or Precious, but for just about everybody else: stop worrying about it.

A lot of my friends ask me, when I tell them, you know, that I sometimes get laid—you’re using a condom every time, right? NO! Of course not! Maybe- MAYBE the first time, if it’s on the first date, and the chick is skittish, but then after that night of sleeping half-drunk and naked next to each other, you KNOW at least the helmet is going in raw while you’re spooning and you have that monster morning wood. Is there anyone on the face of the planet who does not do this? Bone the girl raw with your morning wood the day after a one night stand? I mean, sometimes she kinds of snaps into lucidity and says wait, you better pull out and put a condom on. And I will comply if she’s non-horny enough to actually stick with this mandate, but all that does is ruin the sex. If you have herpes or some shit, well, we now have herpes. We might as well at least enjoy a good fuck.

Although herpes is one of those ones— one of those trump cards where the sex educator gets to say not even a condom can prevent Herpes. Well what am I gonna do, not fuck? No thanks. Even if you use a condom, you can still transmit herpes and HPV, and 70% (or some other varying but invariably huge percentage) of the sexually active population has HPV, but it never shows up, it has no symptoms and you can’t test for it-- well WHAT THE FUCK IS IT THEN? Something that 70% of people have, but does nothing, and you can’t do anything about it, and… and… JUST DON’T FUCK, OK? BECAUSE OF JESUS. I MEAN, SCIENCE.

Obviously— obviously, if this 70% of people have something that there is no way we can know whether or not we have—obviously, I have this thing. And anyone who would possibly fuck someone like me has this thing. Sorry, I have it. And now I’m giving it to you. You too will have this invisible boogeyman in your pussy. Maybe you will have cervical cancer in 2045. If 70% of people have this thing that has a real good shot of giving you cervical cancer, by then we will have guys in gas masks driving mule carts to collect every woman in America for cervical cancer mass graves.

Anyway. Let’s all admit that fucking without a condom is way, way better— like a million times better than fucking with one, and anyone who makes you use one is a shrewish spoilsport, and pulling out actually works, and if you get some bumps that show up on your dick once every couple months the only real consequence is that you can’t fuck rawdog anymore. And let’s not ruin my brief postcoital moment of not thinking about sex by grilling me about when was the last time I got tested, and do you do this with a lot of girls and etc. etc. Yes, I do this with tons of girls, no, I almost never get tested, and guess what: it’s going to be fine. Now pass me a towel.

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