Wednesday, February 17, 2010

To my future wife

I have been looking for you for fifteen fucking years. Different cities, different scenes. I dated a crackhead and a needle junkie, thinking they might be you. I went on dates with hundreds of girls. I went to every party, every bar, every class, every stupid fucking extracurricular activity looking for you. I was in a bunch of bands; I figured you might show up. I got a job in the movies so I would seem cool when I met you. I learned how to cook. I toiled at the gym for hundreds and hundreds of tedious hours so you would be pleasantly surprised when I took my shirt off. And still, to this day, I go out almost every goddamn night to some sadass sausage fest in the faint hope that you might be there.

So how about this. How about YOU start fucking looking for ME. Whatever I’m doing is obviously not right and I’m not going to join a goddamn quilting class or something. I’m done. I’m going to be at my apartment playing Xbox and why don’t you just show up and fucking knock. I’m tired of paying all this rent.

Also, I’m getting old and I need to impregnate you before my balls are full of retards.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Repost from my OKCupid journal

How many motherfucking times do I have to tell you this. DO NOT date me. I will get you drunk and give you an STD. I will pour wine down your gullet, sneak it in sans jim hat, rawdog you again with my morning wood because we already have each other's AIDS, steal your panties from the hamper on my way out and then wear them as a mask while beating off to you after work, every detail exactly the same except I don't pull out like I am courteous enough to do in real life.

You deserve a nice man. Someone who cares about you and will call you. Good luck finding that fucker on the internet, though, because this shit is a straight up fuckfest. I was looking for companionship too, once, but internet dating is for easy pussy. Seriously, I can't get laid to save my life in the real world but with this shit I am Tiger Goddamn Woods.

They should use me in ads for OKCupid. Like, "Look, even THIS fucking guy gets laid." I am broke as the Third World and my face looks like it got hit with a shovel but you'd think I was Johnny Depp stepping off a private jet with these internet girls.

I guess they don't read the journals? I don't know.

For the one person who still reads this

I just want you to know that I barebacked a prostitute who has four kids and a c-section scar that looks like it was done with a machete.