Friday, January 22, 2010

Dear Nicole,

"Everyone is convinced" that I want to fuck you? Let me end this speculation: I want to fuck you. If I ever thought I could fuck you, I would fuck you. I would fuck you good. If you ever get real drunk around me when we're alone, I will be fucking you. Fucking you good. I will feel bad about it; I don't like fucking with people's relationships. But besides smacking my cat once the only thing I ever regret in life is pussy I didn't get. I'm never going to *try* to fuck you. Even if you break up with Stefan, I'm not going to put the moves on you. But god damn it, Nicole, I want to fuck you like Haitians want 6,000 pounds of concrete to not be on top of them. For the record.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

When women

say they "like nerdy guys," they mean a guy in an indie rock band who gets laid more than Tiger Woods, but wears the black glasses like the Central Casting nerd. And when you take them off, it's like when the "ugly" chick takes off her glasses in that Freddy Prinze Jr. movie. In other words, they're not talking about you.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Legend of Zelda

So yeah, trying to meet a girl, going out and trying to meet a girl is like, when in LEGEND OF ZELDA, you had to, to get the raft or something, you had to burn down a bush with the candle. And you didn’t know which bush. There are thousands of bushes in the game. So you just went around with your candle through each screen burning each individual bush. That’s what going out is like, only without the certainty that there even IS a raft, or a ladder, or whateverthefuck it was. Like looking for the raft without the correct issue of Nintendo Power. That’s why LEGEND OF ZELDA sucked.

Diary 12/5/09: More Nicole

Fucking Nicole. I have to write about Nicole. Normally at this point writing about a girl I would say “Nicole. Fucking twat. Why haven’t you blah blah blah, why can’t you just fuck me, etc." But I like Nicole. She hasn’t done anything to fuck me over. I figured she must have a boyfriend going in and lo and behold, I was right. Of course she has a fucking boyfriend. Of course everyone has a fucking boyfriend. Every normal human being in the world is paired off with someone and only a hideous mutant sewer creature could possibly be single at the age of 33 despite being reasonably tall and in good shape and having a job that sounds cool to girls. Of course she has a boyfriend and of course her story about the way they met is some bullshit like I saw him and he looked like a nerd and so I spilled beer on him. I just saw him standing around in a club— BULLSHIT, I’ve been to a million billion clubs over a million years standing around looking like a fucking nerd and I assure you nothing that looks like you has ever spilled beer on me. What the fuck. This was probably like— this was probably the day I had plans to go to that exact same club and stand in that exact same spot but my car battery ran out or something. The same night I was like— well, I was going to go to the club but there won’t be any girls there so fuck it. You could have spilled that beer on me and then you’d be living in my house and I’d be walking around with a skinny good looking chick with big tits instead of by myself like a jackass. But I would get sick of you. The instant you brought up some shit about putting carrot juice in your ass to cure cancer I would probably hit you. So it’s for the best.

I can’t even get horny for you. That’s how much I like you. I’ve tried to rub one out to you several times over the past few weeks, ever since I’ve had those few times hanging out with you long enough to get a “lock” on your face so it doesn’t morph into some more recognizable redheaded chick when I’m imagining you fucking me. But I can’t do it. I usually have to switch over to Seana, getting her pregnant while she’s all drunk and thus ruining her life and dreams. I should be jerking off about ruining your life and dreams. But there’s something so guileless about you. Part of me just want to wrap you in a warm blanket and stroke your hair by a fire while you cry, and tell you everything’s going to be OK.