Saturday, July 18, 2009

For the one person who reads this

I just want you to know that I once fucked a hooker doggystyle with a hemmorhoid coming out of her butthole. Also I jerked it a bunch to horse porn, and a couple times to a Japanese chick getting fucked by a boston terrier.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Celebrity sighting: Julia Roberts

So I hershey squirted on the way to work this morning. Just as I got on the freeway. Couldn't turn around. I just sped to work as fast as possible with my ass clenched thinking: I'll pop in the (shared) restroom and rapidly clean myself up, throw out the boxers, and commando it at work. Should be fine, as long as I'm alone in the can.

I get in-- there's no parking, but I figure it out. Get in the can. Lo and behold there is an extremely dignified elderly man in a bespoke London tailor type suit meticulously cleaning his contact lenses in the sink. So I have to go in the stall and pretend like I'm just taking a shit till he leaves.

This man was very fastidious about slowly cleaning his contact lenses. Finally he leaves. I clean up-- situation is not nearly as bad as I thought. Boxers were not even streaked. But I'm still pissed, frustrated-- now running late for a very important day at work. So as I'm leaving the stall I'm loudly cursing and muttering, "JESUS MOTHERFUCKING FUCK, OF COURSE, THE ONE DAY I FUCKING SHIT MY PANTS THERE'S NO GODDAMN PARKING AND FUCKING GEORGE PLIMPTON IS PERFORMING SURGERY ON HIS MOTHERFUCKING CONTACTS..."

And I leave the restroom. And standing RIGHT OUTSIDE the door is Julia Roberts.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

More Roxanne

You have the body of a fetal pig soaked in formaldehyde and your teeth are like corn kernels stuck in Play Doh. But I am still completely in love with you.