Friday, May 08, 2009

One reason why my job fucking sucks

Here's what I need.

A place that will deliver the following:

Grilled chicken breast prepared with no fats of any kind- no butter, shortening, no marinade that might contain olive oil, etc.

Steamed brown rice prepared with no fats of any kind

Steamed vegetables, doesn't matter what type, prepared with tons of butter and gre-- NO, I AM JUST FUCKING WITH YOU, THESE TOO MUST CONTAIN NO FATS OF ANY KIND AND NOT HAVE BEEN PREPARED WITH ANY FATS AND THE PERSON HANDLING THE FOOD MUST NOT THEMSELVES BE FAT, AND CANNOT BE A FAN OF MINNESOTA FATS OR FATS DOMINO, ETC. ETC. But seriously, steamed vegetables with no fat.

Need these delivered to midtown Manhattan-- w. 50's & 9th-10th ave area at 12:30 tomorrow. Looking for the good quality shit, not your schwag completely and I mean COMPLETELY fat free chicken and rice and stuff. The good shit. Sometimes you try to cook foods with absolutely no fat whatsoever and the meat gets all leathery, you know, that's why fat has been a basic staple of cooking since the beginning of human civilization, but I digress. This cannot happen with this particular piece of chicken. It must be as juicy and tender as if it had been prepared with succulent delicious fats. But no fats.

I know this seems all jokey but I assure you I am quite serious and require that these fatless food items be delivered to midtown tomorrow at lunchtime EDT. Go ahead and laugh, but then I'll curse you that your kid will have a peanut allergy and you'll be one of these jackasses asking for special non-peanut utensils at CPK, and everyone in the restaurant secretly thinks your kid should just die.

Anyway. Anyone have any ideas? Thanks.