Friday, March 28, 2008

somebody asked me if i think penises are weird

Yes, I do think they're weird. I thought mine was uniquely weird for
years-- more than a decade, until I saw my first porn. Then I just
thought it was small.

White people's penises are weird especially, because of the-- the
florid vascularity of the thing, combined with the thin, pigmentless,
translucent skin-- spidery veins all over it, completely visible, in
different colors-- some red, some purple, some blue. And then the one
big weird vein on top that's all huge and thick and in 3-d relief and
goes about halfway up and loops back on itself before plunging into
the meat-- WTF? What the fuck is that vein? Why is it necessary?
Why does it do that little curlicue? I seriously thought I was the
only person on the planet that had a gigantic slate-blue pigs-tail
shaped vein on top of his penis until I was 14. I wondered how I
would broach the subject with whatever girl ended up looking at it. I
wondered when that would ever happen.

But the penis is nothing in the weird category compared to nuts, which
are nature's greatest mistake. The rationale behind nuts is that the
body can't make sperm at 98.6 degrees so the sac* has to hang outside
to cool it down. The most delicate, sensitive-- seriously-- there is
no way to explain the magnitude of pain when your nuts are even, like,
tapped-- i'm convinced it's the male equivalent of childbirth.
Anyway, this super-important apparatus has to hang down outside your
body in a delicate flesh.... sac**, where you could easily get it
punched or swing it in the fire or snag it on a branch or whatever--
like-- instead of making the nuts this glorious marvel of engineering
that they are, couldn't they just come up with a way to MAKE THE
FUCKING SPERM AT 98.6 DEGREES???? Evolution can make the elephant, the
pufferfish, the bird of paradise, but it can't make a fucking sperm
cell in a *slightly* hot area? EVERY OTHER CELL IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING
BODY can be made at 98.6 degrees!

And just-- aesthetically-- nuts are a fucking crime. Especially mine.
Because as discussed they're permanently distended to the
size of a Hefty(TM) Tall Kitchen Sak even when it's 30 fucking
degrees. They're hideous. They make my penis look small next to
them. And it's impossible to trim the hairs on them-- you always miss
one patch, and it stays all long and spindly like Ho Chi Minh's beard,
and... ughh. And you always nick them with the trimmers. Fuck nuts.

Anyway.


* Just think about that word-- "sac." Eww.
** "Sac!"