Thursday, April 05, 2007

match.com

Where the fuck is my fucking watch, by the way, you twat? Why has it been so hard for me to get my fucking watch? Why has it been such a fucking chore to find a time when we’re both in -- we live in the same fucking neighborhood. Why has it become such a chore where I have to call you twelve motherfucking times. It’s awkward because you're ugly and I don’t want to talk to you. I liked fucking you becaue you let me use no condom and come in you but you are far too ugly for me to be in a relationship with and frankly I’m insulted that you think otherwise. What you’re really saying is you think I am as ugly as you, and honey—just give me my fucking watch. Also, just fuck me one more time. You little troll.

Fuck, I really miss my watch.

Anyway, I’m afraid that she’s pregnant; every time I see it’s her calling I think she’s telling me she’s pregnant, that she’s going to keep the baby, and the worst part will be everyone knowing I fucked this ugly chick.

The watch— a watch is something to talk about. People-- girls can see it on my wirist and ask about it because it’s not like one—it’s unique, it’s an old dead-stock 60’s watch. And I can take it off my wrist and show them the glass back, all the little gears twirling around—GIVE ME MY FUCKING WATCH BACK YOU HORRIBLE UGLY TWAT! Also, don’t be pregnant. And fuck me one more time.

Anyway. Match.com.

Don’t read this if it’s about you.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

the dream

Every year and a half or so I’ll have a dream that I can suck my own dick. I’ll be—you know in dreams, sometimes you just appear in a situation—I’ll be there with my dick in my mouth, thinking “holy shit! It’s not a dream this time! I can really suck my own dick!” In the dream, I am aware of the past dreams, and what’s more I’m aware that in those past dreams I also thought that it wasn’t a dream that time, that even in the past dreams I had been aware of past dreams before that , and that they were dreams, but… anyway, I always think “holy shit! I know I’ve had this as a dream many times but this time it’s for real! I can suck my own dick!”

I’m not particularly good at it. Oh—last time, I remember, in the dream I –because I have tried to suck my own dick in real life. Usually after coke, during the frantic compulisive-masturbation time, I would sit in the "plow" stretch position I learned in track, and get the tip of my tongue about four inches away… and in the dream I actually took my dick out of my mouth and held my thumb and forefinger apart on it to see how far I had gotten it in. it was like three inches. And I thought—holy shit! Before, my tongue was still like four inches away but now I got the fucking thing three inches in my mouth.

I hope some day that this happens and is not a dream. I'm getting kind of sick of it.