Wednesday, May 10, 2006

doctors are stupid

if you are a doctor, fuck you.

back at the std clinic today, because of course this fucking thing still isn’t gone. what it is, really, is that after i pee, like 5 minutes later about 10 more drops of pee come out. that’s it. but i can no longer go to the free clinic for it because they’ve determined it’s not an std. so— i don’t fuck anybody for a year, no random pee coming out of my dick. i fuck a tremendous whore, one week later, random pee. it is one hell of a fucking coincidence.

but it’s not an std. i have to go to a urologist. and here’s the thing— doctors are stupid, and don’t know how to treat or cure diseases. they just know how to send you to more doctors. like my whole digestive thing— i was shitting myself with yellow pickle-brine, and had stabbing pains so bad i thought i was going to die. eight months: doctors, doctors, doctors. well, i’m going to send you to a specialist. we’re going to send your stool samples to the lab for more tests. we’re going to stick a camera in your ass and look around. what was it? “irritable bowel syndrome.” that means “we don’t know.” syndrome = medical language for “i have no fucking idea. we’re going to give your symptoms a fancy (or in this case stupid) name and pretend like we know something.” treatment: nothing. at this time, there is no treatment or cure. that’s because it’s not even a fucking disease.

so yeah, basically i dribble pee and my dick hurts a little. but it hurts because it’s sitting in pee. and my boxer shorts take on this acid crust of pee, and by the end of the day i smell like stale pee. like a homeless person. this is not something that should happen to a single 30 year-old-man.

here are my two diseases: shitting myself and pissing myself. thank you, jesus. thank you, god.

fucking cranky dick syndrome.

here's to you baby, have a beautiful day

i heard you were fucking some cop from orange county, and you went out to stay in his condo on some river in arizona, and you took faye with you, and that she fucked him while you were there. and now you’re pissed at her. i heard you fucked dani, the lord of the douchebags, and he went around telling everybody you had big taco tits. i heard you fucked steve norwood, the hunchback albino, and that he went around telling everybody you had a loose pussy. i heard right after you dated me you got back together with your ex, the worst screenwriter in hollywood-- you were always waxing proustian about how he was evil and abusive. but you got back together with him. and then you complained about him again. i heard you fucked like hundreds and hundreds of guys. i know you didn’t make me wear a condom so you probably didn’t make them either. you probably have herpes.

but i still think you're hot.

Friday, May 05, 2006


is going to be the name of my child, if i happen to conceive one today.

penisworkmoneychickenxbox jones. because those are the things i'm thinking about.

also, it's an ancient hebrew name.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

enough about my penis

no! never enough about my penis! i still have non-gonoccocal urethritis. the a-bomb antibiotic pill didn’t cure it, either.

i hate having non-gonoccocal urethritis. like my alma mater, carnegie-mellon university, it has a long, stupid name and is really obscure, so you always have to repeat the long, stupid name when people ask. having HPV would, by that token, be like having gone to haverford college. when you said it , people would always mistake it for “harvard.” which would be HIV.

so yeah, now i took the same broad-spectrum antibiotic today except this time i’m not supposed to drink or beat off for seven days. this will be the first seven-day break from choking it in approximately fifteen years. i am going to stop on the way home and buy a used xbox and grand theft auto: san andreas.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

the girl i got it from

was... she was... she was hot. at fucking least. can you imagine getting an std from an ugly chick? can you fucking imagine? it’s like when you puke up a bad meal and have to taste it every time you burp. no, she was hot, and she knew how to fuck. she had a tattoo on her lower back, and one on her hip, exactly the kind of porn star motifs— i forget if they were butterflies or tribal or whatever but something generic. and she could fuck. man, could she fuck. one of these small girls who gets on top of you and just swivels around and bobs her hips fifteen different ways and screams her fool head off. she would curse, too, which i think is stupid— ”shit, yeah—“ which is an affectation from watching porn. and “fuck me!” which is like— i’m one step ahead of you, honey. but she made me look good to the neighbors.

but what can you say? she gave me fucking VD. it might be some viral thing. i may never be able to fuck anybody again. maybe it’s herpes.