Wednesday, April 26, 2006

this goddamn fucking std will not go away

i am suppurating, the same blister-pus, etc. etc. it’s been over two weeks now. the antibiotics did nothing. i was in the bathroom shaking my dick after a piss and a drop went into my eye. this is the first time that’s ever happened to me. of fucking course- in the brief window of time when i have a highly communicable std that can live in multiple orifices, that’s when a drop of piss goes into my eye. i am going to have eye gonorrhea.

i can’t even make out with a chick now. i got this from a bj, so clearly it can live in your mouth, so—which is sadder, that i can’t make out with a chick, or that it’s a totally moot point because it will probably be another year before the opportunity arises anyway?

i was misdiagnosed by this shady valley doctor. $300 and my urethra was brutalized, and i was misdiagnosed and given ineffective treatment. the guy had these hollow plastic bas-reliefs of the non-copyrighted mexican version of strawberry shortcake on his walls, clearly from the salvation army. it was that kind of joint. the office was less sanitary than my own kitchen. i should have known— except that if the guy is an actual fucking md you figure he would be able to diagnose and treat a simple bacterial infection. this is just- a heinous heinous development.

his office was in pacoima, between a mexicali transmission place and a liquor store.

Friday, April 21, 2006

i am a crab

and then... and then i clatter out from behind the piling, over the barnacles, and i find that a sea worm or other large benthic invertebrate has perished and washed up on the shore, and i drag it away with my disproportionately large right claw to a secluded area where my fellows cannot covet my succulent briney flesh-hoard. and i greedily munch it down with my little paired-mandible apparatus and generally wallow in the stink and decay of the sea. delicious!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

the alabama hog sucker

is a river-dwelling fish from the american south. this is what happens when you try to post every day. some days you feel uninspired and end up padding it out with bullshit. here is a link to a large photo and description of the above-referenced hog sucker:

fucking hog sucker. great name, but it seems like the fish should be much bigger, and fatter. big enough to be a staple food so that someone could plausibly pull one out of the river and say "whoo-wee, that is one king-hell bull-moose alabama hog sucker! good eatin!" or it should suck hogs.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

in the shade of the hognuts

i used to always wear mismatching socks, because i was lazy. but i told people it was because in my class at boarding school there had been a kid who always wore wild, mismatching socks. i told them that he had died in a drunk driving accident, and the seniors from my dorm all got together and decided that as a tribute we would never again wear matching socks as long as we lived. job interview? mismatching socks. million dollars to model footwear? turn it down. no matching socks, ever. we would be buried in mismatching socks.

it was all bullshit, but girls loved it.

burger king

ever since i can remember, i’ve had this coupon from burger king. it was in my wallet for at least five years; now it’s in my glove box. it’s good for a free whopper at any location and it has no expiration date. i haven’t used it because i’m never in a burger king and remember about the coupon at the same time.

i often think about this coupon. the fact that it will never expire makes it special, almost magical. i almost feel like i shouldn’t use it. what if there’s a time when i need a free whopper much more than now? what if i’m starving, and outside a burger king, and my only remaining possession is the coupon? i will give this burger king coupon to my children. i will laugh from my grave as my great-great-grandson presents this eternal, unrenounceable coupon to the aghast heads of galactic burger king incorporated in exchange for the last whopper in the universe, valued at one hundred trillion dollars.

i've run through the antibiotics and my penis still hurts.

Friday, April 14, 2006

tales from non-gonoccocal urethrographic oceans

i hope this is my last std news until the warts show up. negative for gonorrhea and chlamydia.


ooh— you little motherfucker. new job, new bathroom, new stage fright story. this disease makes me piss every fifteen minutes. my prostate is inflamed and it gets all swollen with urgency at these times. and so i go in there to take my piss and there’s a guy— nerdy, nebbishy looking guy, obviously a screenwriter, and again, i go in, give him a cursory head-nod, and he gives a subdued “hi.” nothing wrong yet. except now i’m about to piss and he starts going to town over at the sink, riding the fucking soap pump like it was a slot machine and activating— they have those stupid laser-activated sinks, and they give no hot water, and only this stingy one-second burst— and he’s waving his hands in front of it again and again. and then he grabs about fifteen c-fold paper-towels out of the dispenser and rubs them over every hand surface with great vigor, and then REPEATS the process— so at this point it’s clear that he’s an obsessive-compulsive. and not a cool off-beat obsessive-compulsive like me with colorful, interesting fears and rituals. rather a fucking lame hand-washing one- how fucking generic can you be? but i’m standing there and i can’t piss because of some pathos i feel at this poor fucker having to go through his sad nutty ritual in front of me, and i’m squeezing so hard that i let out a wet-sounding fart, and it’s clear that *he’s* not going to leave before *me.* but he knows i haven’t pissed, and he must know, that little fuckstick, that i can’t piss because he’s there.

i blinked. i packed my dick back up and slunk back to my office. now i’m sitting on flames. a porcupine is club-grinding on my taint. and if i go back too soon my boss will know that something’s weird.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


also, my car has turned invisible for some reason. i’m going to cover it with maple syrup and nuts, and then birds will land on it.

people will be able to see the birds.

and i needn't tell you he tears a page from pliny

i am waiting to call the doctor’s office back and get my test results to see if i have gonorrhea and/or chlamydia in addition to non-gonoccocal urethritis. they keep fucking up— they were supposed to come in yesterday, but they didn’t, and they didn’t come in today either. so i’m waiting to call back after the nurse finds out what the fuck is going on.

i am nervous as hell about this. even though if i have chlamydia the antibiotics i’m taking now will wipe it out. i am nervous that i have gonorrhea and will have to go back for more tests, more experiences of gloved hands stretching my urethra a part and rubbing it against a microscope slide.

i can’t even think about that shit anymore. these pills don’t seem to be making the shit go away. it’s exactly the same. they make me sick. i drive around to job interviews with my irritated urethra and a pall of puke-feeling. i have to piss every fifteen minutes. whatever i have is something weird, that’s why the tests won’t come back… something weird that will require specialists, repeat visits, enormous outlay of money and swabs skewering my penis.

i called the girl last night. i’m proud of the way i handled it— very matter-of-fact and non-judgmental. topically it’s one of the classic awkward conversations of all time but i handled my shit.


ok, fucking—still no results. now it’s tomorrow. dear jesus fucking god. i am still too focused on my penis-pain to appreciate the irony of my having been obsessed with getting laid, only to have it turn into a monstrous debacle when it happened. tonight i’m going to burn down a church.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

non-what-the-fuckal what-the-fuckitis

non-gonoccocal urethritis .the parking ticket of STD’s. or if gonorrhea is the parking ticket of STD’s , this is the jaywalking ticket of STD’s— a good metaphor because you don’t even have to get in the car. i got it from a blowjob. FROM A BLOWJOB! when i was about to bone this chick the first time i was about 75% hard and she blew me , briefly, so i could get the condom on properly. there are ironies there i don’t even want to get into. but that’s how you get NGU, i guess. it’s a bacterial infection– ok, wait— who gets an std FROM A FUCKING BLOWJOB?

i can’t even call her yet, because i’m still waiting for the final word on my gonorrhea and chlamydia samples. the doctor said not to call her until i knew. but still— it is not even close to out of the question that she blew some other guy over the weekend and he, too, must now wake up from interrupted sex dreams where the girl suddenly jams a glass pipette into your urethra and breaks it off— and yes, the worst part of this disease so far has been my dream interpretations of urethra pain when i roll over onto my dick in the night…

fuck. plus, she’s still recuperating from surgery to remove hpv-induced cancerous cervical growths.

i want to tell the story of going out to the valley and getting those tests, but every time i even think about the guy spreading open my urethra and rubbing it on a glass slide i have to cringe and clench my genitals in my hand. eccchhh. blecchhh. fuck…

i told you that bitch crazy

a girl i briefly dated got back in touch with me. lovely, sweet girl.

(anon): hi!
vulkoqq: hey
vulkoqq: how are you?
(anon): i'm okay - i had a nervous breakdown and now i'm living with my parents but que sera
(anon): how are you?
vulkoqq: i'm pretty good, actually, with a few minor sticking points. but i want to hear about this breakdown
vulkoqq: tell me
(anon): uh i started putting tape all over myself - i thought i was invisible
vulkoqq: for real?
(anon): yeah
vulkoqq: it would suck if you did that and then realized it was scotch tape
vulkoqq: and you were still invisible
(anon): yeah i was driving through some pretty sketch neighborhoods too because i'd put tape all over my car and thought it was invisible too
vulkoqq: was this a manic episode?
(anon): um, i have no idea

vulkoqq: what neighborhoods did you drive around in while covered in tape?
(anon): i can't remember - there were a lot of people in tents - it was pretty industrial
vulkoqq: this is in LA?
(anon): yeah
vulkoqq: did you talk to anybody while in state?
(anon): my roommate
(anon): i told her that she or her mom had put a hex on me
vulkoqq: what was the conversation like?
vulkoqq: how did she react?
(anon): she was like, "hmmmmm."
vulkoqq: ha
vulkoqq: you were still behaving friendly, though, right? or were you confrontational?
(anon): i don't remember
(anon): plus, my brother just got arrested for possessing an illegal firearm and the police busted his knee on the metro train
vulkoqq: wow
vulkoqq: how old is your brother?
(anon): so he's on the couch
(anon): 30
vulkoqq: tough week for the parents
(anon): and this happened right around the same time
(anon): and i thought at one point i was giving birth to my brother

Monday, April 10, 2006

caps lock

really, it should be a much bigger deal to press caps lock. they shouldn't put it right next to the other buttons. 95% of the time i press it, it's unwillingly when my pinky hits it instead of "a" or "shift." i look like a douchebag on AIM when i'm like "i'll totALLY CALL YOU LATER." it's fucking stupid, and my advice to you is you should do something about it. get your head out of your ass and take some action.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

gonorrhea gonorrhea gonorrhea

actually i think it might be chlamydia— the discharge is transparent, not all chunky and creamy and green— but whatever the fuck it is, it’s getting worse by the second. chlamydia chlamydia chlamydia. papilloma… these are really nice sounding words. i want to go into planned parenthood tomorrow and say “hello, i’d like to be tested for” (thick italian accent) ”papilllllomaa… gonnorrrrhea…” anyway, at least i had to get fucked to get it. the chick was hot. she was filipina, which is an ethnicity i’d never fucked before, although i hate how people are all creepy about that. i hate guys who are “into asian girls...” it’s like the white chicks who only date black guys. there’s always something wrong with them. but anyway, i have gonorrhea! gonorrhea gonorrhea gonorrhea!

yeah, so i’m sitting here in the office, trying to deal with my normal work duties-- phone calls, meetings—- and i’m just totally preoccupied with this preternatural awareness of my penis, prostate and nuts… like, every little sensation is magnified a thousand fold; my prostate is swollen right near my ass so it feels like i just took a huge shit… my cock is kind of sliding around on top of my nuts in this weird little pus-bath it's created… and it stings, like the way blister-pus does after you pop one. and the tip—- the opening of the urethra kind of feels like i’ve been walking around in jeans all day with no underwear. it’s not painful per se, but it’s kind of eerily unpleasant. i know it’s a harbinger of intense genital misshapenness and pain to come. but when i look at my dick it looks perfectly normal, and the discharge hasn’t really amounted to more than a drop or two... whatever though. and in between calls i’m on hold with various publicly-financed testing centers and they all tell me that they have nothing available on saturdays or you have to call to get an appointment monday, wednesday or friday between 9 and 11 am; it’s this whole soviet-bureaucracy type system where it’s impossible to get anything done immediately , so i’m going to have to go out to this fucking porn doctor in the valley and just bite the bullet and pay. fuck it though. at least i got laid.

the hand of doom

is upon me. i have gonorrhea. i know it. my prostate is all swollen and weirdly sensitive, and i have to piss every fifteen minutes. and there’s like pre-cum that like, every piss is like the first piss after you beat off— some innocuous baby-oil like substance oozes out a little afterwards. and this must mean i have hpv, too, although the thing with hpv is that one of the things that they use to scare you about it is that everyone has it. which is like— ok, then why bother worrying about it? but the chick i fucked is having cancerous growths removed from her cervix as we speak; obviously they were caused by massive genital wart clusters and i’m going to get them too, and never be able to fuck anybody again.

and i’m losing my job. three weeks to go. going on all kinds of interviews; occasionally people are just telling me to fuck off in the room. my rent got raised, just last month, just as it became certain that i’m going to get laid off. i thought i would be getting a decent chunk from unemployment but it turns out you don’t get shit. i’m afraid to even find out. i am so fucking – assfucked… fucking fuck. as it stands every single penny is spoken for… having my income cut in half—fuck. and i have gonorrhea. and i will have genital warts. and now i smoke again, after five years. and holy jesus assfucking christ it’s only going to get worse from here. my car is about to break. i’m gaining weight, etc. etc.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

massive grapelike clusters

my balls hurt. my dick hurts. there’s something wrong with my urethra. i think i got vd from that chick. i know she had human papilloma virus from her whole cervical cancer scare and now i’m convinced i got something from her. i used a condom, but i also tried to sneak it in unprotected. i knew this girl had had fucking cervical warts and i tried to raw dog her anyway. and i was sober.

yes, dude. nice fucking move.

last night my urethra already hurt when we started hooking up, so maybe i fucked it up beating off. i hope that’s what happened.

now there’s liquid coming out of it. probably just a drop of piss but i’m paranoid. actually, it feels more like pre-cum and my prostate is all swollen.

yes. yes yes yes.

whatever, let’s hope i can spread it to (name omitted) this thursday.