Thursday, March 23, 2006


i was thinking about dogs because an ugly person hit on me. and, look, i’m not a fucking model. but this chick was a fucking hideous mutant. she looked like f. murray abraham in a dress*. and she kept calling me asking me to go out to drinks and the only thing that i could think of was the image of my cousin’s old dog masturbating, dragging it’s gleaming, veiny worm-penis across the carpet on its belly— and the dog would look up and make eye contact with you while it was doing this, this kind of sad, mournful eye contact. and it made me think: respect the fucking species barrier, dude. same deal with the ugly. again, i’m not a fucking model, but if you think someone as ugly as you is actually from the same planet as me you have something seriously fucking wrong with you; not just your horrendous middle-aged-man’s face.

also— being in a room alone with an extremely ugly person is like being in a room with a piece of dog shit. you’re always aware of it; you have this weird physical sense of it in your periphery... you can never quite push it out of your mind— this repellent thing, crawling with ugliness like it was a skin disease that could just leap onto you at any time... blecch blechh blechh. so the sense of her ugliness is palpable like a smell. like a fresh piece of dog shit.

thank god i am not that ugly. seriously. thank you, god, for not making me that ugly. it’s like— thank you for not making me a rwandan, or giving me cerebral palsy. thank god for giving me at least enough physical appeal that I can occasionally talk my way into not being laughed out of the room.

*f. murray abraham played salieri, the loser composer from AMADEUS. he was also the guy that got hung out of a helicopter in SCARFACE.


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