Tuesday, November 22, 2005

diary 11/21/05: i eat a lot, and then type a bunch of gibberish

166 this morning. I am trying to gain weight, in a sick way. I look at my body and it’s doughy again. My saddlebags are bigger. You can’t see the bottom of my lower set of abs. My ass and the backs of my thighs have man-cellulite.

I don’t care. It feels good to eat. It feels fantastic, actually. Sugar makes me euphoric. It feels good to eat and it feels horrible to work out. 166 is nine pounds over my lowest weight. I’m only going to gain more; I’m going to skip three workouts (at least) for Thanksgiving, and you better believe that is going to be one fucking epic binge. Most of my past binges have been dessert and accoutrements only but this bad boy is going to be a monster meal as well— and let me tell you right now—I know I’m gaining weight, and I know I shouldn’t— but this is going to be the fucking binge. It’s going to make the brunch last week- this buffet at my friend's beach club where there are no jews and no blacks, where a guy stands there attentively in a chef's hat waiting to cook you custom waffles and omelettes- look like a fucking joke. The brunch- waffle, big fresh Belgian waffle with strawberries, syrup, butter and whip cream. Not some mean amount of butter either, a fucking whole little scoop... two chocolate croissants... a three egg omelette with mushrooms and cheese, two cheese blintzes, about a pound of fruit— blueberries, raspberries, strawberries and mangoes- bacon, sausage. Coffee with cream. And mimosas— like four or five mimosas. Champagne has 120 calories per drink. OJ probably 50, maybe more. After that— french fries at their little grill. An ice cream cone. An additional ice cream cone, in which we dipped an aditional order or french fries- not kidding, although I can’t take credit for that idea. French fries dipped in seasonal squash soup. Chicken fingers. Part of a grilled cheese... what the fuck else?

Then I came home and grilled up a London broil over some apple wood, and just hovered around it, eating little bits off it and drinking whiskey. Whiskey has 100 calories per drink.

So- thanskgiving... this weekend I just had that enormous piece of cake, and two large glasses of milk with it. Milk has 160 calories per glass. That’s the kicker. Beverages kill you. The cake must have been about a grand easy... a pint of ice cream is about that much. One of those really big cookies from a coffee shop is about 750 calories, and considering that this piece of cake had about five times the mass of one of those, and was clearly one of those ultra-buttery, rich, dense and also sugary, you know it’s just the maximum amount of calories conceivable— maybe 1500. maybe 2000! Holy fuck! I mean, it had bits of Skor bars in it, right? And 1 Skor bare is maybe 200 calories, there was at least whole one in there and the cake itself was the size of a cinder block. If I had had a whole one of those cakes in front of me, I would have eaten it.

If I had had two of those cakes in front of me, I would have eaten them. I’m like the fucking great cornholio. I can eat sugar infinitely. And then I wake up on a weekday morning and my body isn’t quite ready to take a full shit— it just grudgingly, grindingly squeezes out this hard little acorn... as oppose to the shit on a Saturday, where I wake up a little later and excrete this mountain— this arm-thick boa constrictor that extends out of my ass and down the pipe for like 12 seconds before it cuts off, followed by– what the fuck is this fucking autoformatting, why does it want to suddenly change things to a large, legible font when there are guests here looking right at me.. only when I’m talking about my shit in great and unmistakable (unambiguous) detail...... but that’s why I gain so much weight so fast. I’m literally just carrying the food around in my bowels until days later.

Anyway, the point being that I’ve been feeling pretty good these past couple days. At times bordering on manic. And it’s that cool kind of feeling good, that ability to let go and not give a fuck. Not to try to write. Not to feel like I have to work out. Not feeling like gaining some weight is going to be the end of the world. Not feeling like not having a woman is going to be the end of the world.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


I beat my pets. Someday I’m going to beat my kids. I never beat my girlfriends, but I’ve thought about it. I lie to my friends… I do these passive-aggressive- things, like when they ask me to loan them money, I just, I’m just a big weird pain in the ass about it because I don’t have the balls to tell them no.

I intimidate the weak—- like, an elderly man honked at me, with a handicapped plate – and I stopped my car and got out and started yelling at him that I would make him more handicapped. I browbeat the stupid; I’m rude to clerks, etc. I cower before the strong, especially the black. Actually, anyone with even a small amount of balls scares the shit out of me.

I pick my nose and eat it. I blow my snot out in the gym shower… although, in my defense, I do make an effort to rinse it down the drain. I make fun of nice, well-meaning people behind their back. I tell people I’m going to call them and that I want to hang out, and I don’t. I tell people that I’m going to read their scripts and I don’t. I tell people that I’m going to help them get an agent and I don’t.

I fart in elevators. I fart freely whenever I’m in a situation with two or more other people. I eat a lot of meat, and so these farts aren’t benign—- they smell-- well, all farts smell “like shit,” but these ones smell like there’s an actual piece of shit in the room...

If I’m sick, I’ll make a show of not touching people’s phones and shit until they’re not around, and then I’ll do it freely. I’m very paranoid about catching diseases from other people touching doorknobs and shit but I don’t care if they catch it from me.

I steal girls' panties from the laundry room and use them to masturbate when I’m on cocaine.

I checked out child porn once and it gave me the biggest woodrow of my life.

Shit… I can’t remember anything else right now, but that should be enough.