Monday, October 31, 2005

nuttier than squirrel shit # 2

and then there are the voices. or the voice, rather. i think everyone must have this but no one ever talks about it. in addition to my normal inner-monologue "me" voice that thinks shit i could very well say, you know, there's this other voice, that sounds like me only is incredibly antagonoistic, and always wants to engage the first voice in arguments, often assuming the character of someone with whom i've recently had a very painful conflict and rehashing the things they've said, kind of from their point of view, but with my intelligence at its disposal, and complete knowledge of everything that could possibly hurt me, you know, and so essentially perfectly equipped to not only make me relive every single instance of ever having had a bad argument with someone, and of course especially if it's been bothering me already, but to do it relentlessly, with inhuman persistence-- it never stops. It's always there, just as much a part of me as... well, myself. When I say "voice" i don't mean that I'm actually hearing the voice like a schizophrenic does but, you know, like when you think shit to yourself you kind of hear it in your head (and subvocalize it,) it's on that level. Only i'm not controlling it and i don't feel like it's coming fom me, per se. Although it clearly is.

There was another thing with the devil-- there was this fear that I had somehow unwittingly sold my soul to the devil, or that the devil was going to somehow come get my soul in the night. There were these long litanies and incantations I had to recite to ward him off.. they were these unbelievably elaborate arcane kind of free-verse poems with bizarre codes and little sub-rituals* that had to be performed in exactly the right way, not missing a single word and without a single pause and if I fucked up I had to do it again ten times, exactly perfectly each time, and If I fucked one of those ten times up things got really bad-- mainly with this one I had to do it each night before I slept, or the devil would come and take my soul overnight, and I would go to hell forever-and the concept of “forever” was very like visceral and concrete...

the whole devil thing was from like 8 to 12.

*they were put together from quasi-legalistic language and old BASIC computer code.

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