Saturday, August 13, 2005

diary 8-12-05

Ok, all this gym shit is basically just polishing a turd, because I just don't naturally have a good body. I burn 6,000 goddamn calories a week on that stairmaster and my weight has been exactly the same for a month. And I still have fat on me. 6,000 fucking calories!!! I did coke again last week and dropped all this water weight, got all encouraged because I got down to 157. But now it's 161 again. There's no fucking point.

Plus-- no one's going to fucking see it anyway. I'll never be naked in front of a woman again. The reasons for this are because 1) I'm ugly, 2) my personality is basically repellent, and 3) I am not confident-- and can you blame me? Plus there's all sorts of little peripheral shit, like I have bad posture, etc. And I think my laugh must be annoying. And my facial expressions are stupid.

And either I'm really not as funny and clever as people used to tell me or else people just don't "get it," because the shit I'm putting out there just-- I just don't connect with people, ever... and fuck, whatever. Fuck these people. They're not worth connecting with.

For the amount that I work out I should look like a goddamn superman and be able to eat anything I want, but I look just OK and my meals are so sparse and deprived that I'm still woefully, painfully hungry after each one and right afterwards I'm already starting to think about the next time I get to eat, nine hours away... and it's fucking Friday night and I'm sitting here alone in my apartment trying to get up the nerve to go to the fucking 7-11 and get cream for my coffee, just to make the goddamn trip out of the house, and my interaction with the clerk might be the longest face-to-face conversation I have with another human being all weekend.


Blogger cathy no said...

libby & leslie were hanging out w/ lorne on friday and they made him sit there at leslie's computer & read your blogs. they were fascinated by the rubber vagina post. none of us understand the description really but we love it.

5:50 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

My friend in Boston thinks youre hot. She's a blond D cup psychologist who just converted to Buddhism. Hmmm...should I set you two up for a romp?

6:07 AM  

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