Tuesday, August 30, 2005

8-29-05: i am a woman

Fuck-- today has been weird. I had a big important job interview at 8am, and i couldn't fully fall asleep all night. I just kept slipping in and out of these weird half-waking dreams, and then the last one was a nightmare where my mother died. It was horrible. Horrible horrible horrible. At the job interview it was going well, and the guy was asking me these cool stimulating questions, and then my sleep-deprived daze kicked in and I started getting all rambling and weird...

I hate my body. I hate how if I don't eat enough starch at night to basically gain back all the weight that I've lost I can't sleep. I hate how now that I've found out there's 100 calories in every shot it's like that island culture in the South Pacific who were peaceful and happy because they didn't understand that sex makes babies-- it's like what it must have felt like when the white people showed up and told them. I'll never enjoy a guilt-free drink again.

You know, it's ironic, too, because the week before I had really been enjoying drinking. Like before, when I had to come home at the end of the day wearing my suit and carrying my disgusting, sodden, mildewy gym clothes*-- the whole fucking elaborate process to deal with hanging the sweaty clothes out and taking off the suit and making sure the pants got hung up right and taking my shoes off first so as not to walk across the carpet.... and dealing with extracting the pants hanger-- because I have exactly the same amount of pants hangers as pants that require hanging-- getting that out of the bag from under my gym clothes without the disgusting sweat touching my suit, my tie... this whole fucking thing was such an ordeal that sometimes at the end of my 13 hour day I would just sit there in the car for a minute and despair-- as a verb, you know-- despair over how much bullshit I would have to go through before I could even sit down on the fucking couch. And then I discovered that if I popped into the kitchen and just pounded a double shot of bourbon before anything, if I just went straight over and pounded it, then that whole process was not only bearable but perhaps fun. And looking forward to this bourbon made me spring out the car and whistle up the steps every night.

That lasted for a week before I found out. And now every time I take a drink I think: this bourbon has almost as many calories as an entire pint of strawberries. As four small zucchini. As most of a packet of ramen noodles... as a small baked potato. This bourbon represents 6 minutes at a full sprint on the stairmaster, heaving and groaning while some part of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" plays in the gym for the 900th time. If I drink 5 drinks per night, which is about what I ended up doing, it eliminates half of my cardio workout. A fucking half hour of knee-shattering agony... if I drink 5 drinks a night over two nights it means I might as well have consumed an entire pint of Haagen-Dasz ice cream. And you know what? I'd rather fucking have that than the bourbon.

The problem is that my drinking coincided with a couple weeks where I'd decided fuck it, I'm done losing weight, I'm sick of being stressed about it and I'm just going to eat like a normal person. I'll keep exercising and that should balance it out. But the slight-- and I mean fucking slight mind you-- increase in food calories coupled with the booze-- and ***in spite of the fact that I was burning 6000 fucking calories per week,*** caused me to -- check this out-- GAIN SIX POUNDS IN TWO WEEKS. SIX FUCKING POUNDS!!!!!!

Holy Jesus assfucking Christ. I'm sick of it. Fucking sick of it.

* I work out in the morning, whereafter they are completely soaked, and then they sit in my car all day stewing.

10 Comments:

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6:02 AM  
Blogger Tom said...

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6:25 AM  
Blogger vulkoqq said...

ha ha. i got all excited when i saw 4 comments on here.

10:33 PM  
Blogger cathy no said...

omg tim what the heck are all these comments??

10:50 PM  
Blogger vulkoqq said...

spam, probably because the post contained the word "calories" or something. i talk about my small penis all the time, though, and i never get penis enlargement comments...

it's funny that they go to such great lengths to make the comments look natural, and then they get surrounded with random pasted text, or endless repetitive links.

4:37 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Tim, 4x as many ppl read your blog as mine...even if it is spammers.

As for the 100 calorie shots, maybe you should switch to vodka. Isnt that a dieter's drink?

Otherwise, just think of it like this: you would drink the bourbon and eat the ice cream anyway. So you didnt really "break even" with your workout. That is all weight you would have gained and now you didnt. Does this make sense?

You know I havent worked out since CMU? I give you credit for trying.

3:34 AM  
Blogger Mr. Richard Lee said...

The same amount of people read Julie's blog as they do this one: 5 people. Tim, Tim's crackhead ex-girlfriend, Cathy, Julie, and me.

3:21 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Tim's crackhead girlfriend reads my blog? YES!

1:46 AM  

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