Monday, May 16, 2005

well fuck

So it's over with this chick. I don't know what the fuck happened but she stopped returning my calls, and we're past the point where she might just be lagging or being coy. Either she found the fucking blog, which would be horrible (and I know she didn't find it before I took all the shit about her down, because at that point she was still talking to me, but of course I couldn't just completely erase the posts like a smart person would do but instead I had to leave those stupid little periods so that people's comments wouldn't be erased, and this was because I was so pleased that anybody was reading the damn thing-- you see, however self-deprecating I get on this thing it can't even approach the truth of just how much of a loser I am) -- which would be horrible but in that instance I would fully have to admit that it was my own preposterously selfish, stupid and weirdly exhibitionist nature that did me in, and I would happily accept the loss of probably the hottest chick I have ever fucked as the consequence of my own actions, as an act of total self-sabotage. And it would still suck but at least I wouldn't have to toss and turn over analyzing it because it would just fit in with the overarching pattern of my life and in the catgory of fucking myself over there are much bigger mental fish to fry.

So either she found the blog-- and either way, now that she's cutting me off I'm going to put those posts back up, albeit without identifying information and without the worst of the ultra-candid scrutiny and judgement that you would never, ever want someone who was its subject to see under any circumstances and if there is even the remotest chance that she ever saw it it would just be the worst, not at all because of the practical loss to me but rather because it would be totally ego-shattering to her in that way that, you know, people are basically not at all prepared to hear a candid asessment of their flaws no matter how much they may press you for it, and she would be totally unable to understand the few nasty comments' place as just elements in a description of my own mental maneuvering to keep from getting totally absorbed in her and also as only a small (but salient) part of a picture whose whole only emphasized how goddamn gorgeous she is.

And even though I've edited the posts it's still dangerous because both the obvious lacunae* and the dumb, self-destructive, and completely avoidable self-references like the one just above are going to tip her off to their existence anyway, thus negating the usefulness of having removed them in the first place.

****** OK-- why the fuck can't I type a sentence without like 10,000 overlong and only vaguely germane tangents attaching themselves to it? Here's what happens-- at night I read Marcel fucking Proust and in the morning I go to the coffee shop and read David Foster Wallace while drinking three enormous cups of light-roast ultracaffeinated coffee and slowly start tweaking out as the over-elaborate language kind of entwines its way into my vulnerable morning brain. But the difference is those guys can pull it off... ******

The origin of the whole fear of her finding my blog:

This chick found my ex-girlfriend's** blog and had a fucking meltdown is what happened. She called me freaking out about how dare that bitch go posting my name all over the internet where all our fucking friends can see etc. etc. and of course I was like "Yeah, how fucking inconsiderate..." meanwhile, I was driving to the gym at the time and pulled a fucking Dukes of Hazzard 180 to get back to my house and take all my old posts down. It was a big disappointment actually because I felt like I finally had something going on that was of interest to people, and I was pretty sure the whole thing could remain totally anonymous since I have a policy of not telling people in LA about my blog. But, fuckstick that I am, I had posted comments on the ex's blog as "vulkoqq," and if you just click on the name, voila, here you are. And she, the ex, dipshit that she is, though God bless her-- had linked to her blog from her fucking Friendster page, which is like come fucking on-- basically proving that she is the one person on Earth who is more sadly desperate to redeem her failure as a writer through dumb-fuck talentless exhibitionism than I am.

*Which as you can see below I have filled in with either asterisks or self-referential descriptions that both give away the very thing they were supposed to conceal and destroy the posts they were placed in both aesthetically and in terms of making sense.

**Courtney is my ex-girlfriend. We dated for a year, were totally in love, thought we were going to get married. We broke up because I can't remain sexually interested in a chick for more than a month. Also she would do things like buy an eight ball of coke at two in the morning, cook the entire batch up into crack and freebase frantically for three hours, then call the drug dealer twenty times at five in the morning to wake him up so he could come over with another eight ball which she would then cook up, etc., all while I was stone sober in the process of recovering from my own long cocaine addiction. And he would accomodate her because he obviously wanted to fuck her and made no bones about showing that fact in font of me. Which is cool, but for Christ's sake-- just buy a fucking quarter ounce at the beginning of the night.

This chick is a childhood best friend of Courtney's. Courtney is still my best friend, and she set the two of us up. And at first she was really cool about it, but after about a week she freaked out and got all jealous (because she still jocks me ***) and this chick started saying shit like "well if it bothers Courtney so much maybe we should just stop."

*** I'm just fucking with you because I know you read this.

7 Comments:

Blogger vulkoqq said...

Here's what the first two paragraphs would look like if they had more periods in them:

So it's over with this chick. I don't know what the fuck happened but she stopped returning my calls, and we're past the point where she might just be lagging or being coy. Either she found the fucking blog, which would be horrible (and I know she didn't find it before I took all the shit about her down, because at that point she was still talking to me. But of course I couldn't just completely erase the posts like a smart person would do-- instead I had to leave those stupid little periods so that people's comments wouldn't be erased, and this was because I was so pleased that anybody was reading the damn thing-- you see, however self-deprecating I get on this thing it can't even approach the truth of just how much of a loser I am) -- which would be horrible but in that instance I would fully have to admit that it was my own preposterously selfish, stupid and weirdly exhibitionist nature that did me in. I would happily accept the loss of probably the hottest chick I have ever fucked as the consequence of my own actions, as an act of total self-sabotage. And it would still suck but at least I wouldn't have to toss and turn over analyzing it because it would just fit in with the overarching pattern of my life and in the catgory of fucking myself over there are much bigger mental fish to fry.

So either she found the blog-- and either way, now that she's cutting me off I'm going to put those posts back up, albeit without identifying information and without the worst of the ultra-candid scrutiny and judgement that you would never, never want someone who was its subject to see under any circumstances. And if there is even the remotest chance that she ever saw it it would just be the worst, not at all because of the practical loss to me but rather because it would be totally ego-shattering for her in that way that, you know, people are basically not at all prepared to hear a candid asessment of their flaws no matter how much they may press you for it. And she would be totally unable to understand the few nasty comments' place as just elements in a description of my own mental maneuvering to keep from getting totally absorbed in her and also as only a small (but salient) part of a picture whose whole only emphasized how goddamn gorgeous she is.

1:55 AM  
Blogger Mr. Richard Lee said...

Periods have a way of making your clauses much more readable as individual sentences. The human mind is just not equipped to fully comprehend long, rambling sentences containing umpteen assertions and points. At best, the reader can only infer an overall singular feeling from these kinds of sentences rather than the complex, profound ideas that you tend to espouse. Thus, periods are your friends. Keep up the good work.

And, one correction:

"basically proving that she is the one person on Earth who is more sadly desperate to redeem her failure as a writer through dumb-fuck talentless exhibitionism than I am."

This statement is untrue. For example, look at the millions of people who write long, shitty soliloquies on Cathy's big spam list (myself excluded).

Thank you for returning to your regular blogging and allowing me the opportunity to write more snide comments while I'm at the office on the weekends.

4:59 AM  
Blogger cathy no said...

oh tim...i'm sorry.

tim & richard - i'll be back to writing my soliloquies again very soon so sit pretty!

6:07 PM  
Blogger vulkoqq said...

It's cool. It wasn't a like a relationship or anything, just a girl I was boning whom I kind of liked. I'm just pissed because trying to get laid when you're not already fucking someone is like trying to get a job when you're unemployed.

10:06 PM  
Blogger iris of the dead said...

but, I loved "Caroline, Caroline, Caroline." It was sort of twisted and romantic. Musical and disgusting. I have a new love too. I will break him, and gather the pieces. Or leave them there, or get cut by them. something or other. you know?

12:58 AM  
Blogger cocopop said...

timothy, all these people posting comments is giving you postive reinforcement for your campy, self-sabotaging behavior.

It's like failing to discipline a bratty kid.

I wish we didn't all thrive on watching your one-man show "I cause problems for myself because i am so fucking bored."

Now get to work.

12:47 AM  
Blogger vulkoqq said...

looking back on it now it's *much* better with the periods.

6:04 AM  

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