Monday, April 04, 2005

it ain't all bad

I know I bitch a lot, but I'm not a fucking ingrate. Some things I am grateful for:

I do not have adult acne.
I do not have genital warts.
I do not have a two inch penis.
I am not in prison. In fact, despite my many crimes,* I have never been arrested.
In both cases (to my knowledge) where I impregnated someone, the zygote was dispensed with in a timely manner.
Whoever you are, there is pretty much a one in one chance that I am smarter than you.**
While I am not good-looking, I am not so bad-looking that it becomes a handicap. In other words, through the use of charm on the few occasions when I've had it, I've been able to surmount my slightly weird looks to have sex with women much more attractive than myself.
I am not dead of a drug overdose.
Out of the many occasions where I've seriously contemplated suicide, none have come to fruition.
Most mornings I am capable of having a fulfilling, structurally sound bowel movement before I shower.
I am not a woman.
I was never molested.
While I am suicidally despondent at all times about my social, romantic, creative, and professional prospects I often enjoy the scent of a flower or the plumage on a bird, pretty clouds, etc.
I've been a smarmy fuck for decades without once getting my ass kicked for it.

* Including but not limited to: statutory rape (come on, what a fucking bullshit crime anyway,) possession of (way) more than 10 grams of cocaine with intent to distribute, posession of fucking , like 500 hits of acid in my fridge with intent to distribute, in fact once I distributed 50 hits to a dude and he ate them all at once right in front of me. He later went out to the park and ascended a stairway that came down from the sun. Manufacture and posession of more than one kilogram of marijuana (another bullshit one because they consider each plant a kilo and I had like three plants) with intent, felony posession of paraphernalia (triple beam scale along with a bunch of little baggies and some coke,) assault and battery, felony destruction of property, propulsion of missiles, terrorist threats, domestic assault (NOT beating a chick, just screaming and shaking her. Beating her would be battery...) posession with intent on pretty much every other drug, including but not limited to heroin, ecstasy, mushrooms, mescaline, klonopin, valium , percoset, percodan, morphine, codeine, oxycontin, vicodin, methamphetamine, dexedrine, GHB, ketamine, rohypnol, etc. etc., theft of... a fucking condom machine***, attempted theft of a parking meter a la Cool Hand Luke which is like, destruction of municipal property or some shit, unauthorized use of explosive devices, DUI of most of the above substances, and fuck, that's a big list but trust me there's some shit I'm forgetting and some shit I'm leaving off.

** Not meant as an insult, but come on, it's fucking true.

*** By kicking it off the wall; it took twenty minutes. We were hammered.

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