Sunday, March 27, 2005

hideous freak

I'm sitting here with a Bioré nose strip on and a foam tray full of caustic bleach gel in my mouth. I just got out of the bathtub where I had been grooming my genitals with safety clippers*--

And it occurs to me that all this bullshit, all these little details-- I should have just saved the money I've spent on this shit over the years and spent it on a nosejob. Because that's the real problem here-- my huge, gnarled, cracked broken nose. For those of you who haven't seen me, honestly, it's fucking cartoonish... the largest nose I have ever seen on a human being. I'm amazed that more people don't say something, or give some cue that they take pity on me. That people don't cover their children's eyes on the street.

Point being that a guy with clogged pores and yellow teeth who doesn't groom his balls but has a small nose is still much more attractive than me. I look at chicks who just aren't that good looking but are really well polished and I'll take a chick with a pretty face but who's a little chunky and unkempt every fucking time...

It's broken in such a way that on one side this angular blade of bone sticks out, poking through the skin so there's a little white spot where it's almost breaking through... it's bent so that even head on it looks like you're looking at me from an angle, like a Picasso. I used to always think that photographs were unluckily managing to capture me from some freakish parallax all the time but I finally had to admit that it's just horrendously crooked, right-angled like a Doonesbury character... and then terminating in a giant beet-red Yeltsinesque bulb, which if you look at it up close is acrawl with spidery exposed veins and greasy black pores. Between two huge gulfs of nostril the septum is twisted into an s-shape, athwart two bristly bushes of long greasy black hairs that grow back instantaneously after being trimmed. Who would ever want to be kissed by a face that has this thing on it? These huge veiny nostrils coming at you as if to swallow you...

* Despite the fact that the Queer Eye phenomenon has peaked, I still do this-- buzzing my scrotum with the clippers and praying I don't nick one of the thousand of delicate, profusely-bleeding wrinkles, which I often do. Because my goddamn nut sack can never seem to stay in the compact brain-coral shape you see in porn stars but rather distends into a Hefty lawn-and-leaf-bag-sized monstrosity even at room temperature, and my balls will drop at random directly into the path of the blades like they were fucking with me on purpose.

7 Comments:

Blogger iris of the dead said...

I used to say that about my nose and face, that it looked like a picasso, as if I were being viewed from all angles at once.

1. Your nose is probably not bad at all. Some women like a big nose (though I've sworn them off personally for fear of breeding a monster nose. It seems irresponable, somehow morally wrong that way).
2. Stop shaving your balls, that's weird.
3. I mean I know people do it, but if I am dating a guy and find upon that next step, that he's been augmenting his private parts, shaving them into weird designs or just trimming them for public sanctity, I am turned off irrevocably. It's your "private" area, not a museum showcase. Keep something for yourself.
4. Do you use these self reprovals on women? I bet they melt and you know they will.

8:55 AM  
Blogger cathy no said...

alberto loves men with big noses. he says that it usually means they have big penises. no joke, he says george spielvogel is like the hottest sexiest guy ever. and adrian brody.
he also likes men with eyes close together, he says it makes them look intense.

7:34 PM  
Blogger vulkoqq said...

I can respond to both your posts at once:

Cathy: Alberto is wrong, at least in my case. I have a small penis. Or at least kind of a standard-issue white man's unimpressive penis. So, Iris: if I don't groom the main area of the pubic triangle, on a cold day my small penis looks like a naked pink thumb emerging from a shaggy rat's nest of hair. And if, after trimming that area down to about 3/4-inch of hair, I don't groom my balls at the same time, my spindly discolored ball hairs look like a long unkempt beard a la ZZ top. Or like a beard without a moustache like C. Everett Koop.

And yeah, I will only breed with a small-nosed woman for that same reason.

I used to use the whole-self-deprecating thing on women successfully but as it became more and more clear that I had fucked up my life beyond repair the jokes transcended irony. Instead of a mark of inflated confidence, well-- I basically started believing them and that whole self-deprecating quality changed from something attractive to something repellent.

But I do like writing about it on my blog.

11:47 PM  
Blogger iris of the dead said...

Have you read Harold Brodkey? Your writing reminds me of what I admire about his (except yours is more vulgarly lyrical). His essays and short stories particularly.

4:52 AM  
Blogger iris of the dead said...

Have you read Harold Brodkey? Your writing reminds me of what I admire about his (except yours is more vulgarly lyrical). His essays and short stories particularly.

4:52 AM  
Blogger iris of the dead said...

Have you read Harold Brodkey? Your writing reminds me of what I admire about his (except yours is more vulgarly lyrical). His essays and short stories particularly.

4:52 AM  
Blogger vulkoqq said...

Never Brodkey, but I recently read Notes from Underground, and it made me loathe myself more for the derivative nature of my self-loathing.

3:47 AM  

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