Wednesday, February 02, 2005

tales of woe

Anyway, I went to get an artificial tan today and no one was at the counter and up on the TV some news show was playing-- it was 20/20's newly-right-wing John Stossel debating Moneyline's neo-isolationist Lou Dobbs about corporate outsourcing, and it was Stossel's show so whenever he would ask a fiery "what-say-you, sir" type question they would cut to the same 2 seconds of Dobbs looking shellshocked and nervously chewing his glasses. The chick came back to the counter, and it was the hot one, and I chatted her up a little bit being that I've been less depressive and more confident of late-- she was by no means an intellectual heavyweight but a nice girl nonetheless. Anyway, once I was in the tanning bed relaxing in the warm uterine glow I naturally began to fantasize about pumping her full of hot nacreous man batter, which of course caused me to have an erection, which is all well and good except that my penis now had, in addition to an extended surface area in general, a newly exposed sub-choad ring and underbelly which had never before been subject to UV radiation, possibly causing severe burns and carcinomas.

I'm pissed because my creepy Nosferatu-esque Bulgarian landlord has just informed me that I have a complaint against me from my neighbor for pounding on the wall at night, that she was "almost in tears," my sexy-from-a-distance-but-"meh"-up-close light skinned african-american valley girl/OC type LA stereotype neighbor chick who wears uggs-and-a-miniskirt and drives an enormous sparkly-blue-nailpolish-colored half-pickup Cadillac Escalade and sits next to my paper thin walls with her multiple failed-actor boyfriends chatting it up with what appears to be extreme mirth at 3 in the morning on a weeknight and operates some sort of Wet-Dry vac or circular saw or other large industrial device at all hours has complained about me-- ME, for knocking on the goddamn motherfucking wall to shut her up instead of ratting her out, because if you get two noise complaints they fine you $100 and I figured maybe she already got complained about by the person downstairs and so if I complain she'll be out a hundred bucks and so instead I took the non-prickish step of knocking on the wall three times in the universal semifore for shut-the-fuck-up, which courtesy has of course ironically come back to bite me on the ass as is the wont of all good deeds. God fucking dammit.

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