Monday, February 07, 2005

I used to be cool

My life is no longer interesting.

It wasn't always this way. I used to do coke for three days at a time and then crash by compulsively masturbating for hours. I used to roll around with my degenerate buddies in the back of a pickup truck, fucked up on pills, throwing homemade pipe bombs at people's houses. I dated a crackhead and was engaged to a needle junkie. I impregnated one girl who miscarried on heroin and another, a daughter of one of my professors, who was fifteen years old. I went to a mental institution after threatening to jump out the window of my fiancee's apartment. I took 50 10-mg. ritalins in one night. I resuscitated a guy from a heroin overdose in my house by giving him CPR; he had been eating coffee grounds for some reason and he vomited them when he awoke. It looked like potting soil. I fell off my bike and ripped off my entire thumb; it had to be surgically reattached. My girlfriend overslept when we had a date and I reacted by kicking her car over and over, leaving dozens of huge dents. I often had the chance to fuck hot girls but I was impotent from cocaine so I would pretend that I wanted to stop for emotional reasons. I only ever devirginized one chick but I came from the tightness when I got it halfway in-- so I pretended, again, that I wanted to stop for emotional reasons. She was on the rag so I don't think she noticed my nut. I once made out with a man. I have fucked prostitutes on several occasions. I had a medical condition that would cause me to shit myself at work. My left nut is the size of a fist. The first time I ever masturbated, I thought that it was something no one had ever accomplished before and that I would be renowned as a great genius for discovering it. I fucked an obese woman.

That's the kind of shit that people want to read about. But a blog is supposed to be the shit that happened today, which in my case would be laundering and ironing my dress shirts in preparation for my meek white -collar work week. Who fucking cares?

Jesus Christ, dude. I turned into a bore.

3 Comments:

Blogger sleeve said...

Fuck what a blog is supposed to be... I'd much rather hear any of those stories reflected on by you in hindsight, than what someone thinks was a cool experience from their last night or the week before.

8:01 AM  
Blogger Mr. Richard Lee said...

How long were you in the mental institution? Seems like you were there for a while.

2:19 AM  
Blogger jamesandlara said...

it's tempting to comment on so much tim... mostly your enduring wit and fanatic sexism... but this post just brings one thought to mind...

the memory of seeing your intensely swollen ball.

perhaps this is the source of your pressure, and having no place to go, it courses and coarses and, well... you wrote the post.

have you ever thought of taking on the kung-fu like task of moving a portion of the swell to the other ball to create more "balance?"

8:13 AM  

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